Dear Dirty Asshole… We Love You. Really.
This is a love letter to the most misunderstood body part in America.
Let’s face it, you have been sat on, forgotten, occasionally scrubbed raw, and frankly, neglected. You have been through jeans that were too tight, awkward dates, spicy food aftermaths and still you show up. You support us — literally — every single day. And what do we do in return? We pretend you don’t exist.
Until now.
Butt Champagne sees you, dear BUTT. We are not here to shame, we are here to celebrate you, in all your weird and wonderful glory. This is not just a product, it’s a cheeky revolution.
Tales from the Crack Side
We all had those moments. The ones we never talk about.
- I thought baby wipes were the height of luxury… until they clogged my plumbing.
- Once used a fast-food napkin in panic. Felt like sandpaper on my soul.
- My ex had a bidet. I pretended I liked it. I didn’t.
The truth is… butt mishaps are universal. And while the stories are funny, the reality is that most people have no idea how to actually clean themselves properly. We were never taught and now we are grown-ass adults, winging it with products made for babies or worse, totally unsuited for the job.
Stars, Stripes, and Stains We Don’t Talk About
America’s got a lot of pride, fast food, fast cars and freedom. But when it comes to hygiene below the belt? We are stuck in the past.
Let’s break it down:
- Dry toilet paper is still the #1 choice. It does not clean — it smears.
- Wet wipes? Packed with microplastics and chemicals. Good for marketing. Bad for butts and plumbing.
- Bidets? Fancy in theory. But not for everyone. Especially when you are not home or dealing with water sensitivity.
Dermatologists say it. Plumbers say it. Still people cling to bad habits. It’s time we admit our country has a wiping problem.
We pledge allegiance to the flag… but our butts? They have been abandoned.
Spoiler: It’s Not a Wet Wipe. It’s Butt Champagne
What makes a butt adorable? Is it the shape? The jiggle? The memes?
Nope. It’s the confidence that comes from being truly clean. And that cannot happen with dry paper, perfumed wipes or mystery sprays.
Here is where Butt Champagne can help with hygiene. It’s the hero product you didn’t know you needed:
- A rich, velvety foam you pump onto your regular toilet paper.
- Packed with Rosemary Extract, Organic Coconut & Sunflower Oil, Deionized Water, and Organic Glycerin.
- No fragrance. No alcohol. No burn.
- Just a smooth, soothing swipe that feels like a spa treatment for your cheeks.
It’s not just adorable. It’s ass-pirational.
The Most Overworked, Unloved Body Part
Let’s give it up for the real MVP.
Your butt:
- Endures long meetings in uncomfortable chairs.
- Sits in traffic.
- Stands up after leg day.
- Gets scrubbed, gets a wedgie and is occasionally ignored.
And yet… it never complains.
So why do we repay this loyal, padded, perfect body part with products that irritate, inflame and do more harm than good? Let’s do better and foam better with butt champagne.
Not All Cleaners Are Created Equal
Let’s talk dirty or rather about the dirty truth of so-called “clean” products.
- Wet wipes are full of fragrance, alcohol, and plastic fibers.
- “Butt sprays” sting like crazy and mess with your natural pH.
- Cheap toilet paper? Might as well be wiping with leaves (and not the soft kind).
These things are not just uncomfortable. They can cause:
- Itching
- Burning
- Infections
- Yeast imbalances
- Blocked pipes
Butt Champagne skips the garbage and gives your behind what it actually needs:
- Gentle, natural ingredients.
- No stickiness and residue.
- Just clean, soft, confident cheeks.
Less Shame. More Champagne.
This is not just a hygiene upgrade. It’s a movement.
Butt Champagne is here to:
- Normalize butt care.
- Say no to shame.
- Say yes to loving our bodies, all of them.
Every time you pump that foam, you are not just cleaning. You are participating in a bigger moment of self-respect, confidence and quiet rebellion.
It’s not just a product. It’s civil ass-obedience.
Join the Movement. One Cheek at a Time.
It’s time to raise the standard for hygiene, from the bottom up.
We are calling on:
- College students tired of wipes.
- Busy moms who need better than baby products.
- Men who have secretly Googled “how to clean down there.”
- People who have had too many rough wiping moments.
You are all welcome here. Your butts are safe and more importantly, they are about to feel amazing.
Steps to join:
- Get your bottle of Butt Champagne.
- Pump. Wipe. Smile.
- Flush with pride.
No mess. No weird stares. Just the clean you have always deserved. Say goodbye to streaks, stink and shame. Say hello to the cleanest cheeks in town.
Frequently Asked Questions by the Butt-Curious People
Q: Can I use it daily?
A: Oh, absolutely. Your butt deserves love every day.
Q: Will it mess with my plumbing?
A: Nope. No clogging wipes here. Just good old flush-friendly foam.
Q: What if I am shy about trying it?
A: You are not alone. Most people won’t admit it, but they are already using it and loving it.
Q: Does it feel weird?
A: Not even the first time. After use, it feels weird when you don’t use it.
Q: What does it smell like?
A: Nothing. Clean doesn’t need perfume.
Shop Butt Champagne – Be an Ass Who Cleans Classy
We have roasted, toasted, and now gently cleansed the state of our nation’s butts. Let’s not go back. Butt Champagne is not a trend, it’s a necessity. And every cheek deserves to feel adored.
This is your sign.
This is your moment.
This is your butt’s love story.
Dear America, it’s time to rise, cheek first.
Let’s toast to cleaner bums.
Let’s foam, wipe and live boldly.
Let’s make the nation’s assholes adorable again.
